It was half eight. I was at the petrol station. It was one of those nights where I just simply needed a drink and I was thirsty. The only thing of note in the room I was in was a buzzing light I knew I could ignore it but it was something I kept seeing out of the corner of my eye and it was annoying me. Would someone fix that fucking light I thought as I took the beer to the counter?
“That would be a fiver.” The shopkeeper said he looked as if his shift was ending and he just wanted me out of the shop as soon as possible.
“That’s not as expensive I thought it would be,” I remarked.
“Well we needed to get customers in somehow and cheap beer sells,” the clerk said.
I rubbed my neck I always did this when I was nervous. Wanting to end the conversation I just said “Sound and fix your light by the way.”
The clerk laughed and I left the store I counted the money that the dregs of unemployment left me. Another fucking day I thought but at least I git myself a beer I thought as I blew some breath into my hand.
I enjoyed nights like this the air was cool and the lights made everything look gloomy as hell as they interacted with the fog. I threw my hands into my jacket searching for a new cigarette. I saw the packet it had one left dam I thought as I struggled to light it the cold air making the lighter difficult to operate. I need a vape but it would run me a lot of money I don’t have and my unemployment doesn’t come in till next week. I shook the lighter after hearing ten clicks struggling to light the cigarette fuck why isn’t this working I thought.
It was the only thing I had going for me I thought I just wanted a smoke. I was trying to ignore the gnawing frustration that was eating at me. The only words I had to describe it was just that I hated everything here and I just wanted to leave. It just pissed me off everything from the lights to the shops I wanted out. Yet my soul was too dry to take any action to just leave the town it was my home and my everything I thought as I resigned myself to it.
The only thing I could do was die I thought as I saw some headlights flash I was ready to go I wanted to die. I thought as I felt a searing pain as everything went black. As I came to everything felt different from my bread to the roof. The roof was different he thought where it used to be a dark brown now there was a bage white roof. I rubbed the sleep from my eyes and rolled over I saw blue walls the only other thing I could see was a small calendar on my desk with the date circled. 3rd of September 2021.September 3rd what was that date I thought. Oh yeah, it’s my birthday.
I don’t want to get up I think to myself after all this is the fifth time that it happened ever since I turned 20 my birthday was a cursed day that would end with my death. It happened five times so far. This will be the sixth and I don’t want to get up and face the fact that my memories will be split again only to lose them and anything I acquired in the next lifetime. I sighed and got up. Everything was heavy when you know you are going to die everything is I braced myself before I looked at the pictures on my desk I knew I was going to lose a girlfriend & I can’t stop it from happening.
No matter how much I try it keeps happing. The room itself is big, bigger than the last one there are several musical instruments a guitar, keyboard and drums. There is also a library of books that I don’t want to look at because I know I’ll never get to enjoy them. With all this coming together I’m just shaking at how I’m going to lose this timeline and it was a good one.
I brace myself for the rest of this day & went for breakfast feeling nothing and ignoring my parents as they went on with their meal. I wanted to tell them but I didn’t know what would happen would they be supportive would they help would they tell me I’m being delusional. They mightn’t get it anyways I concluded. Besides after several go-arounds, I knew they weren’t my parents.
So I tried to figure out the habits this me formed. I remember in the loop before the last one I honestly tried to get a good life I watched these types of movies before I got a job and do work honestly the car hit me all the same. The last one was where I decided to resign myself to my faith and eak out whatever happiness I can.
So I just spent my last birthday watching movies it was unusual as I only got one go around this time last time I would normally have a week. So to make the most of what I had I decided to just recount all of the smells and noises I could. There was a futility to this but the smell of pancakes and roses, as well as the dog barking, brought some constants into my life. Yet as I walked out of the door I couldn’t help but sense futility to all of this.
The first thing I wound up doing when I got back to my room was I laughed mainly because the room I was in didn’t smell of alcohol and cigarettes. Lik my last room did and I had to spend a year in that one thing I was noticing was that the time loops were getting shorter and shorter the more I went around. The last one lasted a year while I’m thinking that this one will last a week or month tops. I counted three loops with no memories of the first two remaining my lives have all but been erased as new ones collided with the old ones.
As I enjoyed the pancakes om gave me my new life was settling in I remembered not having a dad before and this one became a man who expected a lot from me. I have two minds now one mine and the others a stranger. I walked around the room trying to remember dad. The only thing I got from him was that while he expected a lot from me he was childish when he didn’t get his way.
As I am remembering this another thing catches my eye it’s a photo of me and someone is with me it was a girl she had mousy blond hair and a cute doe-like face she was holding onto me and I was looking into her eyes I remember that day it was a cold I never felt but I could remember it. My mind is dissocating from my body it’s like I can feel nothing and everything at the same time it’s crying out who am I as it projects images of me and this girl in a park on our first date. It is the 12th of October I want to be anywhere else I blink and my brain is filling in the other 12th of October one where I’m playing video games and drinking alcohol.
These are not mine I know they’re not as I walk around the room looking for bright colours anything to bring me back to where I am anything. The phone rings my body relaxes. Girl let me love you pierces my ears I want this to stop. I look at the phone it says Caythline. I answer she is very nervous but excited.
“You looking forward to seeing the new Bond movie tonight?”
“Yeah,” My brain was running a blank this feels like it has been arranged a week in advance and I only feel like I’ve just got caught up with it.
“Cool, I’m looking forward to dinner with your folks I like your mom but your dad..”
I let my body take over this one my brain was having a hard time keeping up with it anyways.
“Yeah if he does his normal shit I’ll stop him don’t worry. “
“Sweet, I’ll be over at seven then.”
“Cool, cool cool cool.”
My voice trails as I hang up the phone not knowing if I should let the conversation run its course and end. She hangs up. I return to bed and make my way through a pile of comics that were new to me.
It was seven PM when I finally decided to go downstairs I wanted to see my supposed girlfriend. It was odd I was split between apprehension for myself and a twinge of excitement as one of my many selves got to date, someone. I was also grateful for whatever friends I made. I was honestly surprised they wanted to see me and they were egging me on. Till I agreed to go out with them after the movie.
As I descended the stairs I started to feel that same feeling from yesterday that I felt at the gas station. I combed my hair and decided not to worry about it it was nothing. I felt I should let myself be happy. I deserved it didn’t I yeah I did.
When I entered the kitchen my heart flutterd she was with them, my mom and dad. I still didn’t like my dad but when I saw her I felt an odd sort of comfort like I could open up around her and she wouldn’t judge me. I smiled as I sat down beside her she looked me n the eyes.
She quickly grabbed my hand knowing I was nervous we were halfway through a helping of spuds when mom asked.
“What are you planning to do tonight?”
I couldn’t do anything here I only really mumbled that I wanted to go to the movies.
“OH! what are you going to see?”
“The new Bond movie,” Caitlin replied.
“So you’ll see this and not go with us to a Marvel movie,” Dad asked he was moving her.
I wanted to kill him.
“I used to watch em with da as a kid and I like seeing these things with the folks I love. Caitlin said.
“They are still devoid of anything that makes them unique.”
“So is the MCU.”
I can see that this was a sticking point to them.
“Look I’m just teird of these movies taking up my Twitter feed.” She was flustered.
“I’m not hungry,” I said as I sensed that she wanted to leave I dropped my fork and took her out of the room as mom and dad started to argue.
“You can’t leave this alone can you?” mom asked.
“You knew I was petty when we married,” Dad replied.
“So chipotle?” I asked
She nodded and we left the house it was half eight.
As we drove along the road the seconds started to slow it was ten to nine the film was on in a half an hour. We drove the lights flicked on I closed my eyes as a shard of glass managed to slash Ciatlyne’s troat. A mixture of blood and bile swam in my throat I could feel everything I wanted to scream and as I summoned all my strength to do so everything faded.
Another strange ceiling this is my third no second go around I thought. I gave up I’m trapped I thought. Accepting my faith I took my belt around my jeans. I wrapped it around my neck and pulled. Shit, I thought theirs no weight to the thing I thought frustrated at my half-hearted attempt. I coughed to loosen up my throat and then went to sleep.
By the time I was fully cognisant of myself again, I was with my friends there was two of them one was a small wesley faced boy with black hair. While the other was a rat-faced boy with a crop of black hair.
“How did the match go?” the black-haired boy asked.
“It was class man see I was playing center back and we won 2:2 1:1.
My eyes shrank as I saw them and the time hit h nine.
“Run!” I bellowed. “your all going to die”
“A will you calm yourself lad we‘ll be grand.”
I stared at them blankly they must have thought I was mad. Yet this was another good reality I’ll be forced to lose I was defeated as suicide wasn’t even a way out. The new reality entered it was ripping apart my mind as I tried to focus.
“So were bating it on home,” the rat-faced boy replied.
With the two leaving I was happy and I could die with the knowledge that no one will be hurt. It was nine when I disassociated again.
I came through the roof was I stopped trying to keep track of them they were all the same way. Right now I concluded that I wanted answers and for some reason my new das the key I thought.
When I enterd the kitchen he was sitting at the far end of the table. He was making some hot cocoa that was smothered in marshmallows. He was trying to am more in where they didn’t fit.
“To tell you the truth he said I’m not even sure if I like this.”
“Then why have this?” I asked
“I don’t know is a habit I ink I just want it because it exists and I want it nothing other than that.”
“Then why not break it?” I asked.
“That’s the thing you don’t ever question habits you just go with the flow when your used to them. You see I was told who I am and this is it. It’s immovable so it is. It’s why I made a with them.”
“With who?” I asked
“With the fey. Surely to God, you have been keeping track of the car that has been chasing you?” my dad asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
I was clenching my fists.
“Years ago I made contact with some fairy folk they said they’d give me what they wanted and I accepted my loan repayment of course was you.”
I wanted to kill him.
“You’re trapped in this construct where you are supposed to die. You see the fey want your terror so they built an artificial construct to harvest it over & over again.”
I was defeated I could only ask why.
“I wanted a house,” my dad.” Said.
I decided I d enough I left the house grabbing the carton of ciggies knowing t was half eight and my existence was to be a battery I had my last smoke as I climbed the tree outside my house. I unwrapped the belt from my jeans wrapping one end of it to the branch and the other to my neck I opped as I saw headlights.
sheamcc2 